What is this thing called D...

Dating! Holy smokes, why do we put ourselves through this??
Ok ok, I get it, life is just one lesson after another, and Dating is just... well... this elaborate lesson.
 Most people think the purpose of dating is to weed out a good match, but its not. The real purpose is to be be weeded ourselves. What I mean, is that... we all have some growing up to do... we all have undesirable characteristics to overcome, and desirable characteristics to further develop. Dating TOTALLY does that. This is why I feel bad for people who get hitched so quick... sure, marriage will make you grow too, but dating is a totally different experience that shouldn't be passed by. This is the time for fantastic awkward moments: not knowing if guy J likes you back, or knowing all to well that guy T likes you too much. This is the time for precious moments, when guy H purposely touches your elbow for just one second and your heart pops.
Appreciate this time, appreciate all times. Every moment of your life is so unique. Yes, unique... that cliche word... but there is nothing like being a child, and there is nothing like being a mother. 
Dating is a series of challenges- to test your capacity for charity, your ability to self-reflect, and adapt. Once you've grown enough, and gotten rid of your own bad weeds...................................................... (pause... because this is definitely time-consuming)...................................................................................................... ...........................................
the Lord will place the right person in your path, the person He has been weeding for you.

Tear :'(

Something is terribly wrong with me! I just cant stop crying lately!! It's like Im pregnant, or perma-p.m.s.ing (though usually Im not a cryer even during that time)... neither of which are possible. I dont even particularily care about the things I cry about! Sometimes its after an inspiring youtube video, or a touching poem about the death of a dog (I know, right?). I always cry in the car, sometimes about a song on the radio, a memory on my Ipod, or cause Ive just hit a patch of ice and lost control of the car (AHH!). Tonight I cried before starting my assignment, I cried while studying my scriptures preparing to write my assignment, and I cried when I was done working on my assignment. Now, its not like Im losing it and sobbing everytime... in fact, most of the time it's a small small tiny cry... and sometimes its a big one... but really... I shouldnt be this emotional! It reminds me of last summer when I cried while reading my little brothers camp instructions (Helamens Encampment)! Being a mom has changed me... I know that... but, really? I don't mind crying about REAL issues, like last yeat when I was getting divorced, or dealing with a screaming baby for nights on end... but right now... Life is GREAT... There isnt much I would change...hmm... what would I change? I'd probably just take back a lost friend or two, move them into the house next door (Thats right Jare :P), and carry on... Hmph. Ok ladies, or men.... has this ever happened to YOU (when you werent suffering major life trauma, or a pregnancy, or depression, or... wait... maybe its the snow!! haha...)?

Running out...

Im running out of creativity and inspiration.
I used to write poems with my heart, and now I write them from my head.
I hate mechanical pencils.
I wish I could use a feather quill.

Im running out of youth.
My body will no longer take in unhealthy food and keep it there.
But good health takes time, of which Im running out,
After Ive made her breakfast, cleaned her up, played, gone to school, and meetings, and made dinner, and washed dishes and cleaned out the car,
I just dont feel like making myself a healthy supper.
Wasting time pressing blend on the vitamix,
making my jaw chew, or my lips drink

I only have time to waste on facebook, or thinking about last year, or poems I shouldnt have written, or read aloud. Im running out of reasons to focus on school, and to forget lots of good memories.
Im running out of gas in the car, food in the refridgerator, money in the bank...

But...
I will never run out of butterfly kisses, and that two year old button nose will always nudge mine before saying her prayers, and goodnight to the moon.


At least until she's 14

Updates- so happy you'll puke from too much cheese haha

So, where to start? Well, life has been pretty great for lil Nod and I this school year. Ive managed my time well so that I can be with her all morning, and in school for the afternoon (and one evening). Brosie's speech is finally coming along, and I attribute that partially to our increased quality time together... of course it is also due to the fabulous influence of the Lady who runs the Day home, and all the crazy little boys there! She says quite a few words, and learns new ones everyday (though few people can actually interpret her unique language of course). Nod spent her summer growing a head of hair, which also makes for a great deal of mommy-daughter fun! At first she would let me curl it, but one day she became strangely afraid of the curling iron because I told her it was hot, so we curl it less. I do try and french braid the two inches she has going, but it has yet to work out :P It has been exciting to watch her personality develop, and to see her gain interests and preferences. For instance, she loves to play kittens or puppies. If she is playing puppies she will play fetch and other sorts of doggy games, and if she is playing kittens you have to be crawling on the floor with her! She has started seeing a chiropractor who specializes in allergy elimination. He is psycho crazy with the eating regiment he lives, and we try our best to catch up. Her favorite treat is dates, and she would eat them all day if I let her. We also eat a lot of seeds and nuts, but its coming along slowly (she had french fries for two meals today)... Im just glad to be trying! Her favorite people seem to be her Dad and her Papa lately, in fact she loves men in general. Every time she is at a friends house she gets very excited to see their Dad, and at daycare she is always pointing out the other kids Dads. Im so glad to have my parents in town so she gets her fill of my Dad every other day. He is gone to Arizona for the next couple weeks though, and day one is killing her. We went over to feed my brothers fish and she was a sobbing mess when she saw that Papa (and everyone else `fun`) was gone. Poor kid!! I noticed today that her two-year molars are coming in, so Im going to blame her recent whiny behavior on that :P But really, that kid is my angel. Im so glad I was blessed with this opportunity to strengthen my bond with her, if life had stayed the way it was back in Southern AB I may not have taken the chance.
And me? Well, Ive been great. I feel like Ive spent the last 6 months overcoming my worst challenges in life, and while Im not perfect, I sure feel that way compared to how I used to be! I never thought I could be happy alone, and here I am! Ive learned that happiness comes from within, its not because of who youre around, who loves you, how well your life is going. Life can be crap, and you can choose to find the blessings in it. Happiness is this great gift I want to share with everyone- only its something we each need to find on our own... which is too bad. I have myriads of girlfriends who are single, and just waiting for the 'next best thing' like I used to be. If only there was a way to blend up my happiness and share it in a smoothie with everyone!
Now, what hasnt been great? Well, I got a C+ on an assignment last week, but she promised to knock off our lowest mark, and I have almost every week until April to come up with better poems. I got an A on a poem I wrote a while back, and Im thinking about making it a song. I didnt post that one on here, but maybe one day.
What else? Well, besides the fact that I seemed to have an eternal falling out with my best friend, I think everything is on the rise. Even that had its purposes you know? That friendship really made me think long and hard about who I spend my time with, and why. I want to be with people who are, like that friend, constantly uplifting me and improving me. I want to be that friend for everyone else. I have found that the more I love myself, the more people I can love. And, for the most part, the hurt from that falling out is gone now. Of course I would change the situation given the opportunity, but such an opportunity will likely never come. Instead, Im becoming a bit of an introvert, and Im happy that way. I go on less trips, I go out with YSA less. Instead Im acing most of my classes, and keeping a relatively clean house (I would still love to find a decently priced portable dishwasher).
 I went to the Cardston Temple for baptisms last month, and Im excited for Edmonton's temple to re-open soon! I also gave a couple talks this month, and Im loving my calling in Young Womens. Im working (veeeeery slowly) on my personal progress award... for one of the projects Im researching grad school and where to transfer next year. Im leaning towards Calgary (I know, Im an Oilers fan, but it would be less complicated for paperwork, and a touch warmer), or maybe back to Lethbridge. The oddest/best thing though, is the fact that I just feel completely satisfied. I love being single, I love being a mom, and I love being a student. Sure, snow falls, baby cries, and sometimes I stub my toe, but I couldnt ask for anything more... okay, well I couldnt ask for too much more... okay maybe peace on earth good will toward men... and global warming (so the snow goes away)... and an extra hour every day... and free guitar lessons... and voice lessons... and piano lessons... and a bajillion dollars... and a phone call from YOU! Haha, Merry start to the Christmas season everyone, Love to all... hope this wasnt too cheesy happy for you!!
xo,
Wink

Marry You (BETTER LYRICS)

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it those dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this pretty temple on the boulevard we can go,
everyone can know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we got cash, got a car the guests can trash, for show
covered in oreos
And we’re gone girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it them dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
no we cant break up we just gotta make up, that’s cool.
so I can be with you;
It’s so fun girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.


Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it them dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it them dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

The Sound of Light

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but
because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

When you get to the edge of the earth,
and the cutthroat mountains kill the last bit of sun on your skin,
and the clouds knock the reflection of stars from your eyes,
and the Darkness seems omnipresent,
you will wish to be Home again
waiting at this red light.

If you leave the Light behind you
how will you see in the Darkness?
You will wish for the tiny white lines
beating a pattern of light.
Lines you’ve crossed beforere-
painted each September
to reflect head lights, tail lights, and signal lights
moving travellers home from the highway.

You will wish for the brilliance
of the posted speed limit
its decrescendo slowing travellers into town .
You will miss the headlights,
that clearly beckon ahead,
and the tail lights illuminating the past
of each car before
each with their warning.

You will miss the spots of lamp lights
and streetlights that reach beyond the horizon
as you climb the hills leading to town
even though man made
even if red-
Illuminating and defining

This red is not a manacle, holding you prisoner.
Red is harmony, the tenor to green.
Red allows us to wait
before Safety opens her door again.

Do not crush the man-made lights of town,
because they play Sun.
They are reflections of it’s greatness
and this city on a hill will not be hid

You think that if you silence every red,
and steal away into the shadows
you can unveil the true nothingness of these lights
but even shadows come from Light.

And you can run to the edge of the Earth,
and close your eyes, and refuse the Light
but this midnight musical
does not need your ears
It will keep playing the sound of Light.

AshleyElizabeth

AshleyElizabeth

I was never one of 'The Ashleys',
painting lips pink,
squealing "scandelous"
dwelling in an underground clubhouse.
Mother must have known
what I wouldn't be.

"Code X," the boys taunted
good for one thing:
securing tire swings with my contagion.
"Thompson," "Mormon," spat
like explatives along with
chewed food.
The hard ground came faster with thick glasses on.
Mother never knew
until Brandi Werner.
That Tiara didnt see the ground coming.
The fist of a whimpy kid?
The fist of Elizzzabeth
buzzing like a bee, a roar
a red head,
like my Grandmother,
and Queens, and Saints.

Brass, crass, crash little kid
growing into class, Elizabethan.
Slow and painful, as nine long letters
stretched and skewed
over twenty childish nicknames
until she fit me
like a glove: Elisheba, Consecrated
Oath to God.
I am all that mother knew
as she pronounced the  Ashley silent.

Shovel

Walking away,
putting you from my mind
          a shoebox of letters
Shovel. Backyard.
Crisis averted.

Walking away,
putting you from my mind...
         an old sweater
Applebox. Lid. Shovel. Backyard

Walking away,
putting you from my mind...
        the black guitar
Hammer. Saw. Potatoe box. Shovel. Backyard

Walking away
putting you from my mind...
        memories that itch
Casket. Measruing tape. Six feet. Shovel. Backyard

Tree Hugger

A climbing tree,
with limbs outstreched to grasp me in a hug
hear my secrets on the wind
braid my hair with ribbon leaves
and dance and play and leave
leave my work beside her roots
upon the earth

I scramble up
on lower branches
the child in school or playschool now
where lunchtime is a forest of friendly trees

Until I hug up,scramble higher
mid sized limbs
and I a youth
who kisses on these branches, or dreams of kisses,
and waiting reads a book
before reaching higher
I hug up.

Hug up higher, highest limbs
where secrets spill like special water,
safe, swallowed tears by shoots and braches
woes a mother dares not mention
When I've worn all the shoes,
sunk all the ships,
forgotten the wax and burnt the cabbage
commited crimes against the King.
I, a child of twenty-three
caught in a middle aged nightmare
in school still, but not to play
in love still, but with my child
hugging still the aunt whose branches
wait for me to leave my work
amongst her roots
until Im planted
grounded in my own rich earth.

Acreage

Ive been looking for a place to live because the friend I was house sitting for came home from her trip early...
I found the perfect place! A modest home, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bath, on 5 acres of land! There's this small barn type thing for storage, or animals, or a workshop... It would be perfect! I wish I could just suddenly get married before the end of the month and move in there. Its a little pricy to pay for by myself, but even with the help of just one other person I could do it. Its only 15 minutes out of town... *sigh*. I emailed them and I think I will take a look even though its probably unreasonable. I also contacted about 5 places in town, one of which I will see tonight... but none of them are quite that cool... I mean, if I lived on an acreage I could get Brosie an animal companion- Puppy, Kitten, or Pot belly pig! Oh man, I hope something like this turns up again one day, when Ive got a little more of a family.

Thats all, just wanted you to know about the awesome acreage I found :)

Wink

Tracing

Not only is tracing the only way I can draw (hehehe), it is also a great song by John Meyer.
I have fallen in LOVE with it.
I looked at the chords the first day I learned how to play guitar, and I decided it was waaaay out of my league.

Anyways, here, I really wanted to tell you about my day...

I called legal-aid, and after about a month of waiting, they have finally placed me with a LAWYER! This is the (second) BEST NEWS ever (and by ever I mean this week... hah)! Thats one step in the right direction :)

Then I drove into the city (twice because I forgot everything on the first trip) and gave them copies of all my paperwork. Then I went ... shopping. There is this new-ish store that I am in love with for its ability to fit my odd size so perfectly (they order European) I LOVE my purchase, and it raised my mood :)


Tonight, after Nod was asleep, I cleaned the kitchen really well, and then went to Facebook... OOPS, doesnt exist anymore, Jay Oregano switched my password so I am locked out (THANKS Jay!)...

Aren't you proud of me?


So instead?

I decided to learn the song I thought was out of my league.

I have all these questions about strumming and fingering though.
You see, the G7 seems easier when I change the fingering from what I read online... is it okay it have the third finger on the high E string?
And the strumming is so tricky! I wish we could slow it down to get the rythym right.
Oh, and the BEST NEWS ever (and by ever I mean this week)? I have a new calling in Young Womens!

C'est la vie... Il est Bon

avec amour,

Wink

So I watched my wedding video last night... and today... and it was a bad idea... err a good idea... Bad? Good? Hmm... You see, it left me with no desire to get married again, that could be good considering it's not really in the cards anytime soon anyways... but it also left me frusterated and depressed.
"I promise you, I will always be there for you, nothing I wont do" The Bryan Adams song we walked down the aisle to. Maybe it meant something that I chose the song, because I meant the words, it became obvious in our marriage that he would not. After we were seperated he came up north to persuade my return. He told me that our whole marriage I had been putting in more effort than him, and he wanted it to change. It was nice that he noticed, but reminded me that we had a long ways to go before we could ever be together. He never did change, give more. I hope he does this in his relationship with Nod though, now having learned that in relationships you really have to give.
And what did I learn to change? I need to be happier. In my wedding video I wasnt very happy, I was mostly stressed about getting everything right, the food, the decorations, the flowers... if there ever comes a wedding number two (though today I really hope there isnt) I really want to be focused on the marriage, the new union, the forever of it all.
Anyways, just some thoughts,

<3
Winks

Ive totally neglected blogging since exam season... but tonight I was just feeeeeling so much, the kind of things I wanted to share with other single moms, or moms, or women, or someone. So here goes.

Mothers Day is coming up. One day lil Nod will be big enough to celebrate it with me, but right now she is just a funny little 1.5 year old who will treat the day like any other. I tell myself that's okay, because itis a day like any other. I tell myself that she loves me just as much every day. I tell myself I'm not missing out. I tell myself a lot of things. 

Tonight, I tell you the truth. I feel so sad sometimes about my situation. Its not really that bad, I mean, I love my new apartment, I love living on my own (no parents or roommates), I love not having to pick up after more than us. Its not that bad, but I still get down and long for what I have not.
Tonight I listen to Elder Hollands talk on Motherhood, and maybe I let a few wet tears slide down my tired cheek. And maybe I press repeat. Again and again.
Tonight I miss having a best friend to sleep with at night, to cherish me on Mothers Day, to cherish me on any day. Tonight I miss the best friends I do have that don't live close, because I know they cherish me, even if not in that romantic way. And its not the same to get a nice card and a "Mom" pin from my Dad, like I did last year (my first Mothers day, and my first Mothers Day without D)...

I mean, it was sweet and I loved it... but it was not what I had expected the year before >>> when I was taking pregnant pictures with D and laughing that the RS gave me a plant for Mothers Day ( I kill all things green), and he was kissing the bit of skin that was my belly, separating us from our Nod-to-be.

I make it sound all perfect ad romantic... but it probably wasn't. It was a Sunday. D probably only came to church because I asked for it as a Mothers Day gift, and I'm sure it broke my heart as I watched him roll his eyes during church, and beg if we could go home early, and I probably wondered how I would spiritually protect the bump inside of me... 

So its not like I want that life back. I don't. I simply imagine something. I cant sleep at night for the sake of my imagination. I imagine him beside me in bed at 9pm. I imagine that earlier he helps me clean the house, and rocks the baby, and helps her say her prayers, and the before bed we read scriptures together, and solve our problems together in harmony, each putting the others needs first. Well, that's what Someone wise once told me about marriage anyways. I imagine his piercing blue eyes and his strong calloused hands. Okay, now I'm getting carried away. Lets just say, I have this grand idea, and I almost wish I didn't, because it leaves me longing for what I cannot have now. 

Watching Hollands talk made me happy and sad all at once. I felt that strong desire for a righteous temple marriage, and then a strong desire to continue growing my family. Yes, a baby. The baby fever`` is gone (luckily), but the video made me feel this way for more righteous reasons I think.

But in the end, the video made me want to just reach out to God, and be strengthened by this trial. It has been strengthening me, more than I ever imagined, but the last few weeks I have been growing more in my my role of temporal mother, than in my role as a spiritual mother. I need Him, before him.

"The work of a mother is hard, often unheralded work"- Holland.
Yes, it has been hard. Hard to know how to put my small family first, above school and career. Having to quit my job for her, having to hear her screams as I try to save her teeth from cavities. And for me, motherhood has its own challenges. Protecting her from D, too much? Too little? How do I make such a mature decision, beyond my years and wisdom? With the Lord... but some days I do not rely on Him enough.

I love so many parts of Hollands talk... "Heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones"
Whoa, REALLY? Angels you say? I'll keep my eye out for you Barb. :)

"Yours is the work of Salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, better than you've ever been"
I could sure use some of that... Oh wait- so thats what this growing and stretching is? Ouch... thanks, but ouch. 

This next part makes me cry.

"And if for whatever reason you are making this courageous effort alone, without your husband at your side, KNOW THAT OUR PRAYERS ARE THE GREATER FOR YOU" (quick interjection here, did an Apostle just say he was praying all the great... for ME?) ..."Know that in faith things will be made right because of you" (b.e.c.a.u.s.e. of ME?!)

Later he says there is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly in the work of Glory of God. ``He will bless you especially when your days and nights will be the most challenging. Rely on him, rely on him heavily, rely on him forever, and press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a perfect brightness of hope``

I am learning, I am growing. Thank you my lil Nod, for coming down to be my angel, my spiritual protector and teacher. Without Nod I would be stuck in my marriage, perhaps having lost my faith, or else having lost my spirit. What a blessing to have her. I have something to celebrate this Mothers day , I will cherish her, and the opportunities that are mine because I am her Mother.

Look like I started writing this poem in April 2011

In an attempt to make beauty
(or make beautiful poetry)
I begin to calm

I press California reds with Florida yellow
and sooth my wanting lips with a lemonade pucker

My strawberry fingers will not wash
they occupy my six string
to relax my wandering hands

But without my want,
and my wander, and my worry
My words do not express
the same sights and sounds and symbols

All I can say is that your face
which did not touch mine
and your hands
which did not hold mine
asked me for a poem
I cannot write
for I am calm

After a long day

After a Long Day

24 hours is all it takes
to break
my resolve,
peace,
break my back,
heart, soul, mind

6 months is a long time
to wake
my mind
teach me
to better utilise
the reds and blues of this big heart.

1 moment is all it took,
to lose you
your readership
I would persuade your return

I promise not to climb your tree
         nor spell out words that should not be
         nor make firsts of love
         nor thens of marriages, and babies in baby carriages

From Within

Youre going to think Im crazy for getting over it so quick... but really... Im feeling much better. Let me explain...

On Sunday I fasted that the path would be made clear for me. At least for the decisions I have to make in the immediate future (one month or so)

That very night was the phonecall which very clearly showed the path about something I was very conflicted about... My feelings for a friend (the previous post). By the next evening I had received the warm assurance of the spirit that the Lord had planned this, and heck, all I want is to do His will, so Im okay.

And that wasn't the only thing that has become clear since my fast. Schooling seems to have become clear, legal matters, financial matters. And I know there will be more.

So, my friends, I am happy again, for happiness comes from within. Reading the scriptures every morning has brought me more peace and happiness than I could have imagined, and I am so deeply greatful for the book of mormon. (www.mormon.org)

If I Could Marry a Poem, this would be it

If only I was single ;)
Jen Lemen's poem and I... we have a connection... some serious chemistry... and every person on earth, single mom, lonely dad.... needs to read it!

On Burdens Being Made Light

In Mosiah 24 there is a great story on this subject:

           King Laman was being a task master over the people of Alma. "And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God." Until, that is, gaurds were placed about them to ensure they did not pray. 

           So instead they:

"did pour out their ^ahearts to him; and he did know the ^bthoughts of their hearts. And it ^acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs"

        And the reason for this ease of burden? Yes, there is a purpose more so than giving them a break... "this will I do that ye may stand as ^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions." 

      Now, application in my life. I prayed *really* hard on Sunday. I had a heart to heart with the Lord, and told him of *all* my many afflictions, and asked for a miracle. The miracle was not a tremendous thing, D did not cease to ruin my life, my divorce did not magically come, my school work did not magically go away, and in fact Baby Nod got sick. However, I feel the ease of burden that the Lord promised Alma's people.

 "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did ^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord."

So, my next step? Submitting cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. Easier said than done, but I do believe I can do so. Happiness comes from within, and as I do the will of the Lord, peace will come even amidst the chaos. and then, maaaaybe, one day...

"And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

          Until then, I will stand as a witness that I know of a surety that the Lord God, does visit His people in their afflictions. 

        Another good scripture on the subject is found in Mosiah 18 when Alma begins baptising people in the waters of mormon. Those who are baptised are desirous to 

"come into the ^bfold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light, Yea, and are ^awilling to mourn with those that ^bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as ^cwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death,"

          So perhaps that is partially how God helped ease Alma's people's burdens. They helped out one another. That is partially how I find solitude. Sometimes from my Mom washing my dishes, or a sister in the ward helping me unpack, or the phone calls and emails of really awesome friends.

       Another two neat references I found that I'll leave for you to look up so this blog post isnt too long... Alma 33:23, Matthew 11:30.

:D Enjoy, and may your burdens be lightened as well.

On Freedom, or the Lack Therof

My daughters father refused to sign the legal papers Friday. I have been working on these specific papers since September. He may as well have thrown them in the mud, thrown me in the mud. I told him he could "Go the **** home" and then I took Baby Nod home and tried to be hopeful. One day I will no longer be his hostage, one day my child will be safe from him, one daythe hurt and the pain will be no more than bruises and scars. I got a preisthood blessing that reminded me to align my will with the Lords, and to feel in my heart what my head already knows. I know we will be safe, but I do not feel safe. I kow this will end, but I do not feel it will end. 13 months is a long time to wait to... well... to be free of him. I may never be totally free of him, but on Friday I felt taht I would rather die than be (I cringe to say the word) married to him for one more day. Evetually that dramatic feeling subsided, and life resumed in all of its chaotic normalcy. Yes, for those few who do not know, I am indeed still married. I pretend I am not, in some circles, because I really hate the fact. Married. A word I gloried in only years ago is bringing me the greates misery now. Let this be a warning to all of you young people, choose right the first time. Do not marry someone whose family is broken, likely they will turn out to be so also. By broken I do not mean from a split home, I mean, broken. They can have both their parents and still be broken. The man who holds my freedom by the chains of a ring in the bottom of his drawer, that man is broken. Two whole people come together and make a good marriage, two broken people come together and make misery. And that dear readers (or reader, as it may be for a while), is the end of this short post. There is too much weighing on my soul, I cannot share it all, and I need to return to my place IRL. :D

A poem you shouldnt read, or at least read into. I was experimenting with rythym :P

Double Dutch

Your whispers wake me
Your green light plays me
A jump rope,
Counting.
Two thumps of cord on pavement
For one touch of my feet
Skip a beat, skip a beat, skip a beat, skip

Another rope holds me
And holds you away from me
A knot, or a circle
Mine hid in a drawer
Yours a crown

So double me up, playing Dutch
or German or French
One rope I see solace
One rope I see burden
One two, up, one two, down, one two three four

The ropes mix their messages
Mix and I dodge, I twist
to the right or the left
Courier, Times New Roman
Bold, italics underlined.
And my crossed t’s wave to
Your dotted i’s

The Arial calms me
and scares me, and calls to me.
Reminders of what could have been
how much I gave,


Oh the rope you could tie me in
And I, freely, would have been
Tied, knotted

Instead I jump
We jump
Careful of ropes,
This dangerous trapeze, or web, or snare
But you are Caution
And I am Care

I just land on my feet,
Then take off for the jump
Land, air, ground, sky
Your turn, mine, yours, mine

Words lighting faces
Asterisks of expression
I can tell you are happy
And I will be
I jump, then I wait,
one two three.

And that is probably enough repetition

My first few posts on this sight were my favorites from my personal blog, but from now on I'll be coming up with new posts.
<3

The Three Little Pigs and The Big Bad Wolf

Once upon a time there were three little pigs and the time came for them to leave home and seek their fortunes.The first little pig built his house out of straw because it was the easiest thing to do. He was finished very quickly, and skipped along to his brothers place to see if they could dance and play together. The second little pig had been builing his house out of sticks, so he quickly finished up and ran off with his younger brother. They came upon their older sister Piglette, and she was busy slabbing mortar, and putting toegethr a house of bricks. Her two brothers laughed at her, and invited her out to play. Her parents had warned her that there was a big bad wolf on the loose, and she knew she couldnt take chances, so she continued to lay the brick.

One night the big bad wolf, who dearly loved to eat fat little piggies, came along and saw the first little pig in his house of straw. He said "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", said the little pig.

But the wolf is strong, and of course he blew the house in and ate the first little pig.

The wolf then came to the house of sticks saying "Let me in ,Let me in little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in" 

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", said the little pig. But the wolf blew that house in too, and ate the second little pig. 

The wolf then came to the house of bricks.

" Let me in , let me in" cried the wolf

"Or I'll huff and I'll puff till I blow your house in"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin" said little Piglette.

Well, the wolf huffed and puffed but he could not blow down that brick house.

But the wolf was a sly old wolf, so he covered himself in pig skin and kocked again. Somehow he was able to deceive Piglette, and slowly became her friend. Eventually Piglette let him in. Their friendship blossomed into romance and they were married.

Piglette slowly began to realise that something was wrong, and eventually knew that she was going to have to leave her home. She packed her bags and took her family and ran away as fast as her fat squishy legs would take her. She went back to stay with Mama and Papa pig, living with them while beginning construction on her second house of brick. She bought the strongest brick, and she began to put the pieces of her  new home together. 

Shortly after moving in to her humble abode, the wolf came a knocking again. When she refused to let him in he climbed up on the roof to look for a way into the brick house.

Piglette saw the wolf climb up on the roof and lit a roaring fire in the fireplace and placed on it a large kettle of water.When the wolf finally found the hole in the chimney he crawled down and KERSPLASH right into that kettle of water. However, this was not the end of her troubles with the big bad wolf. 

You see, there is a story behind the story.

 That Wolf is Satan, and Satan does not just dissapear because of a few obstacles. He will never stop his attack against the sons and daughters of God. 

When we build our houses, we begin by breaking the ground, turning the soil. Taking our broken and humble hearts to the Lord. Then, brick by brick, with slabs of mortar we build our fortress. I build MY fortress. But the wolf is sneaky, and I cannot rely on my actions alone, but on the voice of the spirit, to tell me when the wolf is sneaking over the roof so I can leave a pot of boiling water over the fire, or to tell me when the pig at the door is really the wolf in disguise.

And when the wolf came knocking at the brother pigs' houses, all they did was yell at him to go away, They said that THEY would not let him in. Well they dont need to, he is strongand cunning enough to find a way in himself. They inadvertantly allowed this to happen easier by building a weak house. Establishing their testimonies perhaps based on a few principals of the gospel. Perhaps their faith was built on the reality of Chiasmus in the book of mormon, or the tingly feeling they had during a prayer, or watching one person be healed. They, like Laman and Lemuel, believed for a moment. But when the questions came, they could not stand strong. When the the rains came down and the floods came up, their house was built on sand alone.                                                 

What are the bricks? They are the small things. Testimonies are not built by grandiose miracles, seeing angels and watching water turn to wine. We know that Laman and Lemuel were not converted by the huge miracles they witnessed. A real fortress of testimony comes by living the small things. Reading your scriptures, saying your prayers, getting answers, it is a slow upward climb. Small bricks of light, placed monotonosly on top of the other to create a shining citadel of Light. Our testimonies are also not usually torn down in a huge way, but by forgetting those important things. Using sticks and stra instead of bricks, reading every now and then, only going to church but not really listening.  D did not leave the church because he read something some day that proved it was wrong. He left slowly. He stopped reading his scriptures because he felt guilty, he stopped praying because he didnt know what to say. He stopped going to church because it became boring to him. Each of these things happened months before the other. He eventually began wishing the church was not true so that he could feel better about himself. In fact he said that, directly. It is odd now to hear his side of the story, his new story. He claims he has found truth, and says it is his duty to share. Only it was three years ago last November that he was crying over his brother leaving the church and wishing he had the ability to share his light and testimony. He wanted to be Nephi, but he did not pick up the sword.

We each get to decide each day what we will do with our lives and our testimonies. My friend Asha has had concerns about her faith, but she prays and studies and searches in good places, and she will find the Light. In fact, she already has. Just this week I had a moment where I doubted, and she was there to bear me her testimony and lift me up. She said part of faith is being okay knowing that we cannot ever really know. We have this false sense feeling we have to completley KNOW everything, but that is not faith. Even Bob Wight, a former member of the seventy, told me that having questions is good and healthy, and we must search out the answers. I had never been told this before (that I can remember), and the first time I doubted I was serisouly afraid. Terrified. But I cannot really have faith, unless I have doubted. There cannot be light if there is no darkness, there would not be joy if there was no pain. I have seen the dark, and I know where the Light is. I have felt the aching pains, and I get to experience the tremendous joy.

And I am building my shining Citadel, brick of light, by brick of light. Hey, Im not perfect. I make mistakes, but the testimony is there, and it is becoming a fortress of Christ.

A poem about secrets that suck, written in January

This Heart

This heart has been bruised
Pounded by the hammer of Death
Pa told me my Gramma was gone
Hiding under my bed
Not far enough
From bruises,
Purple and green and blue
The simple heart of a child

This heart has been cut
Sliced and stabbed by the knife of Rejection
Returned by the receiver of my naive affection
Hiding under Blankets
Not far enough
From cuts
Long and deep and bloody
The foolish heart of my youth

This heart has been stretched
Racked by the pangs of Loneliness
Family ties forced apart by infidelity
Hiding in a dark room
Not far enough
From the strain
Torturing, and agonizing
The fragile heart of a new mother

This heart has been broken
Torn to bits by the weight of a Secret
Why would the Guilty so burden the Fragile?
Hiding in plain sight
Nowhere is far enough
From the blow of the shrapnel
Shreding, tearing, ripping
Fragments of a heart that would give up

A poem on loss, written in Feb

Rapunzels tower...

these nights are long and lonely
as I turn about in bed
fairy-tales and non fiction
tumble about my head

they, swirling with the dust
Sandman poured inside my eyes,
confuse the lands of dream and wake
and terrorize my mind

Have you walked between the lands
of the dreaming and the wake
let me share a story
of the ways a heart can break

For my father was my uncle
and my uncle was my friend
and my friend built me a tower
and he stood gaurd to defend

with his sword of truth and power
shield of faith and feet of peace
and my hair grew like rapunzel
and he faught against the prince

but on braids of golden lies
a princely pig ascended up
and we made ourselves a castle
though the man below warned stop

and then life went a changing
for none can command it stay
and the princes teeth were sharpened
until his wolfish fangs gave way

buthe the man weapons had broken
and his feet crumbled to dust
and he saw the wolf attacking
and confused, he did not run

but tore apart the tower
brick by brick and stone by stone
and turned against the princess
and cut her hair that shone

her heart, broken by two that day
her heart it seared and burned
but she picked herself back up again
picked herself back up and learned

that the rock to build a towr apon,
the son of god, is christ
no man nor prince could save her
from the winds of toil and strife

and the tower that would protect her
is the one she works to build
and the weapons she can rely on
are the ones she herself wields

A poem on divorce, written last fall

Faulty Analogy

Last February I broke my arm
A good crisp break,
So sudden and unexpected.

But then who expects their arm to break?
Did I think people just schedule these things?
February 6, 2010. 5:30 pm:
Going to break my arm on the way to Ami's baby shower: check.


Ouch.


So I went to my mother-in-law,
Who was no help, as usual.
Offering plenty of alternatives, natural healing,
A bunch of crock.

So I told my sister,
Who told my mother,
Who told my father,
Who told me to go to the Doctor
.
And we all went to the Doctor.
The Doctor put a cast on
And told me to go home,


A long drive home,
Dark car, with a screaming child
So hazy now, the memories I repress.


Every day there was hurt and the cast did not heal.
The Doctor had known it wouldn't,
But I had to see the proof before I would believe.
I had to see with my own eyes that a cast was not enough
The break was bad.
An infection had been festering.
The arm must be removed.
Maybe I had known all along, and maybe I didn't.
I'll never say.


And we slowly began the process.
All the while I pretended it wasn't going to happen
I begged the Doctor for alternatives
But I knew those alternatives were crock

And He did His best to heal me,
He told me there would be a new arm, a better arm
It's the 21st century, anything can happen

And at first I believed.
He had a logical explanation, after all

So maybe I never believed.
Maybe it just made sense. 
And now as I try to type without my arm,
It doesn't seem very sensible.

Where is my new arm?

Oh a healing period? Oh a waiting period?
Yes I knew about that.
No I don't want to wait anymore.
No I don't want to heal the long, difficult, efficient way.
I just want a better arm.
Don't I deserve a better arm?
Isn't He The Doctor? Cant He do anything?


So I made a mistake,
And here comes the flaw in my analogy
My story has no place for you.
Not yet really.


But I stole your arms anyways.
I began to lean on you.
I used your arms to screw in light bulbs,
To take out the trash, to move the couch, to hold the baby.
I used them for warmth, for healing.

My new arms.
Not deserved. Just stolen.
Maybe one day, but not today.


And when you are here I barley notice my arm is missing.
And tonight you are not,
And the pain returns
Only worse.
The wait seems so much longer
The weight seems so much heavier,
The hurt deepens, blackens.


"Make a mistake with me"
I whispered.
Quoting someone else
"Some mistakes..."
You know how that one ends.
Is it raining at your house
Like its raining at mine?


Where are you tonight?
Asleep?
Resting your weary arms.
For you don't know it,
But like Atlas you carry the weight of the world.
The weight of my world at least.
And I just allow you to carry me.


That isn't love my dear.
I'm using you.
Do I care enough to let you go,
For if you love me you shall return,
Do I trust the Doctor to give me the best arm?


And Tonight.
Tonight I cry.
I weep so hard the baby becomes confused.
So I put her to bed and weep alone.
Silently heaving in a ball of confusion.
Because tonight, without your arms, I realised


That I'm not being fair to you, that I'm not trusting Him.


This faulty analogy is our lullaby
Without melody, without rhyme
Waiting on this injured woman
To sing a tune of goodbye.