Our family

Our family

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Ive totally neglected blogging since exam season... but tonight I was just feeeeeling so much, the kind of things I wanted to share with other single moms, or moms, or women, or someone. So here goes.
Mothers Day is coming up. One day lil Nod will be big enough to celebrate it with me, but right now she is just a funny little 1.5 year old who will treat the day like any other. I tell myself that's okay, because itis a day like any other. I tell myself that she loves me just as much every day. I tell myself I'm not missing out. I tell myself a lot of things. 
Tonight, I tell you the truth. I feel so sad sometimes about my situation. Its not really that bad, I mean, I love my new apartment, I love living on my own (no parents or roommates), I love not having to pick up after more than us. Its not that bad, but I still get down and long for what I have not.
Tonight I listen to Elder Hollands talk on Motherhood, and maybe I let a few wet tears slide down my tired cheek. And maybe I press repeat. Again and again.
Tonight I miss having a best friend to sleep with at night, to cherish me on Mothers Day, to cherish me on any day. Tonight I miss the best friends I do have that don't live close, because I know they cherish me, even if not in that romantic way. And its not the same to get a nice card and a "Mom" pin from my Dad, like I did last year (my first Mothers day, and my first Mothers Day without D)...
I mean, it was sweet and I loved it... but it was not what I had expected the year before >>> when I was taking pregnant pictures with D and laughing that the RS gave me a plant for Mothers Day ( I kill all things green), and he was kissing the bit of skin that was my belly, separating us from our Nod-to-be.
I make it sound all perfect ad romantic... but it probably wasn't. It was a Sunday. D probably only came to church because I asked for it as a Mothers Day gift, and I'm sure it broke my heart as I watched him roll his eyes during church, and beg if we could go home early, and I probably wondered how I would spiritually protect the bump inside of me... 
So its not like I want that life back. I don't. I simply imagine something. I cant sleep at night for the sake of my imagination. I imagine him beside me in bed at 9pm. I imagine that earlier he helps me clean the house, and rocks the baby, and helps her say her prayers, and the before bed we read scriptures together, and solve our problems together in harmony, each putting the others needs first. Well, that's what Someone wise once told me about marriage anyways. I imagine his piercing blue eyes and his strong calloused hands. Okay, now I'm getting carried away. Lets just say, I have this grand idea, and I almost wish I didn't, because it leaves me longing for what I cannot have now. 
Watching Hollands talk made me happy and sad all at once. I felt that strong desire for a righteous temple marriage, and then a strong desire to continue growing my family. Yes, a baby. The baby fever`` is gone (luckily), but the video made me feel this way for more righteous reasons I think.
But in the end, the video made me want to just reach out to God, and be strengthened by this trial. It has been strengthening me, more than I ever imagined, but the last few weeks I have been growing more in my my role of temporal mother, than in my role as a spiritual mother. I need Him, before him.

"The work of a mother is hard, often unheralded work"- Holland.
Yes, it has been hard. Hard to know how to put my small family first, above school and career. Having to quit my job for her, having to hear her screams as I try to save her teeth from cavities. And for me, motherhood has its own challenges. Protecting her from D, too much? Too little? How do I make such a mature decision, beyond my years and wisdom? With the Lord... but some days I do not rely on Him enough.
I love so many parts of Hollands talk... "Heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones"
Whoa, REALLY? Angels you say? I'll keep my eye out for you Barb. :)
"Yours is the work of Salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, better than you've ever been"
I could sure use some of that... Oh wait- so thats what this growing and stretching is? Ouch... thanks, but ouch. 

This next part makes me cry.
"And if for whatever reason you are making this courageous effort alone, without your husband at your side, KNOW THAT OUR PRAYERS ARE THE GREATER FOR YOU" (quick interjection here, did an Apostle just say he was praying all the great... for ME?) ..."Know that in faith things will be made right because of you" (b.e.c.a.u.s.e. of ME?!)
Later he says there is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly in the work of Glory of God. ``He will bless you especially when your days and nights will be the most challenging. Rely on him, rely on him heavily, rely on him forever, and press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a perfect brightness of hope``

I am learning, I am growing. Thank you my lil Nod, for coming down to be my angel, my spiritual protector and teacher. Without Nod I would be stuck in my marriage, perhaps having lost my faith, or else having lost my spirit. What a blessing to have her. I have something to celebrate this Mothers day , I will cherish her, and the opportunities that are mine because I am her Mother.

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE this entire post, and YOU (SO stinkin' much), and little nod of course too. I am sad for you, but also glad...as I see how you are stronger, and have so much potential...that I know you will grow into. You are becoming an amazing person (not that you weren't already)...and I LOVE YOU!! So happy mothers day!(if it makes you feel better, we don't really celebrate anything, ha ha)