Acreage

Ive been looking for a place to live because the friend I was house sitting for came home from her trip early...
I found the perfect place! A modest home, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bath, on 5 acres of land! There's this small barn type thing for storage, or animals, or a workshop... It would be perfect! I wish I could just suddenly get married before the end of the month and move in there. Its a little pricy to pay for by myself, but even with the help of just one other person I could do it. Its only 15 minutes out of town... *sigh*. I emailed them and I think I will take a look even though its probably unreasonable. I also contacted about 5 places in town, one of which I will see tonight... but none of them are quite that cool... I mean, if I lived on an acreage I could get Brosie an animal companion- Puppy, Kitten, or Pot belly pig! Oh man, I hope something like this turns up again one day, when Ive got a little more of a family.

Thats all, just wanted you to know about the awesome acreage I found :)

Wink

Tracing

Not only is tracing the only way I can draw (hehehe), it is also a great song by John Meyer.
I have fallen in LOVE with it.
I looked at the chords the first day I learned how to play guitar, and I decided it was waaaay out of my league.

Anyways, here, I really wanted to tell you about my day...

I called legal-aid, and after about a month of waiting, they have finally placed me with a LAWYER! This is the (second) BEST NEWS ever (and by ever I mean this week... hah)! Thats one step in the right direction :)

Then I drove into the city (twice because I forgot everything on the first trip) and gave them copies of all my paperwork. Then I went ... shopping. There is this new-ish store that I am in love with for its ability to fit my odd size so perfectly (they order European) I LOVE my purchase, and it raised my mood :)


Tonight, after Nod was asleep, I cleaned the kitchen really well, and then went to Facebook... OOPS, doesnt exist anymore, Jay Oregano switched my password so I am locked out (THANKS Jay!)...

Aren't you proud of me?


So instead?

I decided to learn the song I thought was out of my league.

I have all these questions about strumming and fingering though.
You see, the G7 seems easier when I change the fingering from what I read online... is it okay it have the third finger on the high E string?
And the strumming is so tricky! I wish we could slow it down to get the rythym right.
Oh, and the BEST NEWS ever (and by ever I mean this week)? I have a new calling in Young Womens!

C'est la vie... Il est Bon

avec amour,

Wink

So I watched my wedding video last night... and today... and it was a bad idea... err a good idea... Bad? Good? Hmm... You see, it left me with no desire to get married again, that could be good considering it's not really in the cards anytime soon anyways... but it also left me frusterated and depressed.
"I promise you, I will always be there for you, nothing I wont do" The Bryan Adams song we walked down the aisle to. Maybe it meant something that I chose the song, because I meant the words, it became obvious in our marriage that he would not. After we were seperated he came up north to persuade my return. He told me that our whole marriage I had been putting in more effort than him, and he wanted it to change. It was nice that he noticed, but reminded me that we had a long ways to go before we could ever be together. He never did change, give more. I hope he does this in his relationship with Nod though, now having learned that in relationships you really have to give.
And what did I learn to change? I need to be happier. In my wedding video I wasnt very happy, I was mostly stressed about getting everything right, the food, the decorations, the flowers... if there ever comes a wedding number two (though today I really hope there isnt) I really want to be focused on the marriage, the new union, the forever of it all.
Anyways, just some thoughts,

<3
Winks

Ive totally neglected blogging since exam season... but tonight I was just feeeeeling so much, the kind of things I wanted to share with other single moms, or moms, or women, or someone. So here goes.

Mothers Day is coming up. One day lil Nod will be big enough to celebrate it with me, but right now she is just a funny little 1.5 year old who will treat the day like any other. I tell myself that's okay, because itis a day like any other. I tell myself that she loves me just as much every day. I tell myself I'm not missing out. I tell myself a lot of things. 

Tonight, I tell you the truth. I feel so sad sometimes about my situation. Its not really that bad, I mean, I love my new apartment, I love living on my own (no parents or roommates), I love not having to pick up after more than us. Its not that bad, but I still get down and long for what I have not.
Tonight I listen to Elder Hollands talk on Motherhood, and maybe I let a few wet tears slide down my tired cheek. And maybe I press repeat. Again and again.
Tonight I miss having a best friend to sleep with at night, to cherish me on Mothers Day, to cherish me on any day. Tonight I miss the best friends I do have that don't live close, because I know they cherish me, even if not in that romantic way. And its not the same to get a nice card and a "Mom" pin from my Dad, like I did last year (my first Mothers day, and my first Mothers Day without D)...

I mean, it was sweet and I loved it... but it was not what I had expected the year before >>> when I was taking pregnant pictures with D and laughing that the RS gave me a plant for Mothers Day ( I kill all things green), and he was kissing the bit of skin that was my belly, separating us from our Nod-to-be.

I make it sound all perfect ad romantic... but it probably wasn't. It was a Sunday. D probably only came to church because I asked for it as a Mothers Day gift, and I'm sure it broke my heart as I watched him roll his eyes during church, and beg if we could go home early, and I probably wondered how I would spiritually protect the bump inside of me... 

So its not like I want that life back. I don't. I simply imagine something. I cant sleep at night for the sake of my imagination. I imagine him beside me in bed at 9pm. I imagine that earlier he helps me clean the house, and rocks the baby, and helps her say her prayers, and the before bed we read scriptures together, and solve our problems together in harmony, each putting the others needs first. Well, that's what Someone wise once told me about marriage anyways. I imagine his piercing blue eyes and his strong calloused hands. Okay, now I'm getting carried away. Lets just say, I have this grand idea, and I almost wish I didn't, because it leaves me longing for what I cannot have now. 

Watching Hollands talk made me happy and sad all at once. I felt that strong desire for a righteous temple marriage, and then a strong desire to continue growing my family. Yes, a baby. The baby fever`` is gone (luckily), but the video made me feel this way for more righteous reasons I think.

But in the end, the video made me want to just reach out to God, and be strengthened by this trial. It has been strengthening me, more than I ever imagined, but the last few weeks I have been growing more in my my role of temporal mother, than in my role as a spiritual mother. I need Him, before him.

"The work of a mother is hard, often unheralded work"- Holland.
Yes, it has been hard. Hard to know how to put my small family first, above school and career. Having to quit my job for her, having to hear her screams as I try to save her teeth from cavities. And for me, motherhood has its own challenges. Protecting her from D, too much? Too little? How do I make such a mature decision, beyond my years and wisdom? With the Lord... but some days I do not rely on Him enough.

I love so many parts of Hollands talk... "Heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones"
Whoa, REALLY? Angels you say? I'll keep my eye out for you Barb. :)

"Yours is the work of Salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, better than you've ever been"
I could sure use some of that... Oh wait- so thats what this growing and stretching is? Ouch... thanks, but ouch. 

This next part makes me cry.

"And if for whatever reason you are making this courageous effort alone, without your husband at your side, KNOW THAT OUR PRAYERS ARE THE GREATER FOR YOU" (quick interjection here, did an Apostle just say he was praying all the great... for ME?) ..."Know that in faith things will be made right because of you" (b.e.c.a.u.s.e. of ME?!)

Later he says there is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly in the work of Glory of God. ``He will bless you especially when your days and nights will be the most challenging. Rely on him, rely on him heavily, rely on him forever, and press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a perfect brightness of hope``

I am learning, I am growing. Thank you my lil Nod, for coming down to be my angel, my spiritual protector and teacher. Without Nod I would be stuck in my marriage, perhaps having lost my faith, or else having lost my spirit. What a blessing to have her. I have something to celebrate this Mothers day , I will cherish her, and the opportunities that are mine because I am her Mother.