Sunday, January 1, 2012
Defined as the state of being a parent, but also a really great TV show I'm getting hooked on. The only problem is at the end of each episode, when I get emotional. You see, I really don't like getting hooked on things, books, TV series, chocolate. I like to feel in control of my routine and my life, but TV shows and facebook can totally get the better of me. I know I can put down the remote (well actually the laptop) and go back to real life, but the problem right now is my lack of real life. I haven't had classes over the break, I haven't spent a lot of time with friends, and my family has all gone back home. Nod and I have a good time during the day. We make trains, gluten free dishes, and big messes. Its fun, and its my life, but after 7pm I go crazy. So I started watching Parenthood. Is it possible that such a seemingly harmless TV show could be something really bad? I think it could be. It totally portrays everything that I want in life, so I could watch episode after episode and not think about my own life. I can totally put myself in a different world. That is *terrible*!!! I want to live my own life, not covet something fake on TV! How did they know I would want all those things? To be a lawyer, to see my sister adopt, to go on a successful date, actually scratch that-- to be married! The one couple gets in fights sometimes and then they resolve their problems like you wouldnt believe! Its great, its what I want. I want to be spending my evening telling my husband to stop working on a work project and come to bed. I want to stay home with my husband for New Years instead of going out with a bunch of kids I wont really know 10 years from now. Im starting to really dislike this in between phase again. I totally believe in finding the good in everything, the purpose in everything... but tonight I guess Im looking at what I dont have. Im pining for the future. So lets stop that. What is good about today? I dont even know... how is it good that I cant spend my evening with the people I want to? HOW!? Well- I guess maybe I will appreciate them once they get here. By them I mean a future family. Also I get the opportunity to try new things. I could spend my Sunday evening learning French or baking bread, but in the future I might be tied down to someone else's schedule... right? Right? Please tell me there is a reason to this point in my life!? There is a reason I don't find any of my dates attractive or interesting, and that I would rather watch a stupid TV show then bake some bread... OH YA- I got it... the purpose for everything. *rolls eyes as I realise how I should have caught on to this earlier in my cathartic post*... Its to overcome the natural man. Its natural to want to veg on the couch and watch TV, and justify episode after episode... but it takes self-control to go to bed early, or do something less appealing (because it seems more lonesome),,, and maybe it wont be so lonesome after I start? Maybe Putting the clean dishes away and starting a project will inspire me, and motivate me, and give me something else to focus on. Well, all I can say is Im glad I have this silly blog. I really enjoy just writing my thoughts out. Talking myself out of or into things. I need this time alone right now, I need to grow up or I will never be ready for that family Im waiting for. That second baby. That really really ridiculously great husband, who will take me ice fishing, and talk politics, and teach Nod to tie her shoe. Its going to happen guys, whatever you are waiting for, whatever you need more hope in. 2012 is a new year, and 2013 will be another. We have time to grow into ourselves and learn from our mistakes. Too bad my divorce mistake was 10 years in the making, so Ive probably got a few more years till I can totally clean up the stupid dating theories Ive held onto since I was 12 and start again... ok thats not true, Ive already started again, I mean, I know my theories are wrong at least, and Ive got the guidance of a loving Father in Heaven so I can do everything better this time. Which means not pressing play on a third episode of Parenthood tonight (the Sabbath!!), but doing something spiritual and heading to bed. I can do that, right? Its so easy to justify one more episode, but I know myself. I know that I need to stop justifying *anything* because when its something huge, something I REALLY shouldnt do, Ive got to have the habit of saying no to myself. This is the first step. Goodnight blogging world.