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In an attempt to make beauty
(or make beautiful poetry)
I begin to calm

I press California reds with Florida yellow
and sooth my wanting lips with a lemonade pucker

My strawberry fingers will not wash
they occupy my six string
to relax my wandering hands

But without my want,
and my wander and my worry
My words do not paint bright

All I can say is that your face
which did not touch mine
and your hands
which did not hold mine
asked me for a poem
I cannot write
for I am calm
and bright as a sun-dog today

Pox at 1 O'clock

Pox at 1 O'clock

scream scream

sound asleep

polka spot       polka dot

popcorn,

poc

poc

poc, tock

tock tick tock

multiplied by time by

itch scratch poke poke press

dress

redress wounds

undress

bath bath

"Si-hee Mawma, oh-me-awl baff"

    laugh

hysterically 1 am

soothe

warmth

towel

diaper

tears, bribery, pb&j,
lick lick lick, jam hands,

raspberry seeds, strawberry tummy,

so many spots, dots, dotting

doting mamma, kisses and hugs

              snugabugs

soother cuppy

tucky-iny

lights out, doors closed, finally in, climbing in, single queen, covers up, eyes closed,

repeat.

Soliloquy of a Single Mother

Soliloquy of a Single Mother

I am single, so I’m not qualified to raise you. But I do:

I mix dry ingredients with wet,

• 1C White Rice Flour
• 1t Apple Cider Vinegar

Then I forget the egg whites, distracted by a phone call from the Pediatric Dentist
who needs your Alberta Child Health Benefit Plan number
that I actually haven’t renewed.
Perhaps the waste can needs a Gluten-free diet like you.

I also bring home the Bacon,
via my paper on Francis Bacon and Thomas Hobbes,
via Scholarships and Student loans,
via paperwork and phone-calls Monday morning at 10
instead of teaching you to sort your blocks by colour.
Perhaps the blocks would be offended if we distinguished them by colour anyways,
they are all the same on the inside, like me and you.

I also dress you in your Sunday best and bring you to Church
where you scream for Grandpa during sacrament, spill pink juice on your lace dress,
and later (at home)  your slippery tights cause a head-on collision with the laminate flooring. Perhaps the tooth-fairy was unemployed during the recession, like many others.

I also leave you one night a week,
practically unattended so I can catch a night class
under the pretense that my 14 year old brother could handle an emergency
better than he can handle a dirty diaper,
hoping one night raised on Handy Manny and Tracteur Tom will not deprive you of creativity
or rob you of bonding
hoping I can still wake up with you at midnight
if you chance leg cramps or nightmares or thunderstorms
so when the lights are out and I trip across the folded laundry on my way to your room I can still appreciate the stars that shine on only our street, and the beautiful face that longs for only mine, and the second and third hug before feeling my way back to a single bed I hope to fill.
At least I may teach you to hope.

Not wounded sir, but dead!

 Our battle with the pox began Sunday... they got much worse after this! Poor girl :(

 Some of the fun times we had staying home together... I like how the hand print on my jeans was so perfect... even though it was gross and sticky!

    Nylon head

 this was totally her idea!

 After the broken tooth my friends cheered me up by helping me make my fave Pntbtr No bakes!! 

Doesn't he look happening in my cutsie apron... but the pic turned out so blurry (couldnt post it on FB cause he looks better than I do... something must be wrong with the camera ;)

 I tried to get a good shot of the broken tooth, but she wasnt interested

Wink certainly kept that Sabbath good and 'Hole-y" haha

It's late so I'll make this brief...

I have learned so much this month! Patience, endurance, change... more change. How to break bad news, how to not break bad news... How to break bad news to yourself. Hah. We battled Chicken Pox and Polisci class, 'Prison' breaks and inter-Provincial dating ;) The main lesson I took from it all.........

Be the you that you love in other people.

Become the person you would marry.

Attempting to become such a person has led me to make simple changes in my life that have brought the Spirit into my home. I started by praying about a dating scenario, and the domino effect led me to a series of blessings. I followed one simple answer that made little sense at the time, and ended up with blessings in plenty of (semmingly) unrelated areas: my summer housing lined up, my messy house became easy to clean, school became more interesting, and I had an increased desire for righteousness.

All we need do is follow the Lord, do our best, and everything works the way it should. Even difficulties serve amazing purposes.

Oh, and I almost spelled purposes "perposes"... time for bed.

LOVE!
Wink ;)

Parenthood:

Defined as the state of being a parent, but also a really great TV show I'm getting hooked on. The only problem is at the end of each episode, when I get emotional. You see, I really don't like getting hooked on things, books, TV series, chocolate. I like to feel in control of my routine and my life, but TV shows and facebook can totally get the better of me. I know I can put down the remote (well actually the laptop) and go back to real life, but the problem right now is my lack of real life. I haven't had classes over the break, I haven't spent a lot of time with friends, and my family has all gone back home. Nod and I have a good time during the day. We make trains, gluten free dishes, and big messes. Its fun, and its my life, but after 7pm I go crazy. So I started watching Parenthood. Is it possible that such a seemingly harmless TV show could be something really bad? I think it could be. It totally portrays everything that I want in life, so I could watch episode after episode and not think about my own life. I can totally put myself in a different world. That is *terrible*!!! I want to live my own life, not covet something fake on TV! How did they know I would want all those things? To be a lawyer, to see my sister adopt, to go on a successful date, actually scratch that-- to be married! The one couple gets in fights sometimes and then they resolve their problems like you wouldnt believe! Its great, its what I want. I want to be spending my evening telling my husband to stop working on a work project and come to bed. I want to stay home with my husband for New Years instead of going out with a bunch of kids I wont really know 10 years from now. Im starting to really dislike this in between phase again. I totally believe in finding the good in everything, the purpose in everything... but tonight I guess Im looking at what I dont have. Im pining for the future. So lets stop that. What is good about today? I dont even know... how is it good that I cant spend my evening with the people I want to? HOW!? Well- I guess maybe I will appreciate them once they get here. By them I mean a future family. Also I get the opportunity to try new things. I could spend my Sunday evening learning French or baking bread, but in the future I might be tied down to someone else's schedule... right? Right? Please tell me there is a reason to this point in my life!? There is a reason I don't find any of my dates attractive or interesting, and that I would rather watch a stupid TV show then bake some bread... OH YA- I got it... the purpose for everything. *rolls eyes as I realise how I should have caught on to this earlier in my cathartic post*... Its to overcome the natural man. Its natural to want to veg on the couch and watch TV, and justify episode after episode... but it takes self-control to go to bed early, or do something less appealing (because it seems more lonesome),,, and maybe it wont be so lonesome after I start? Maybe Putting the clean dishes away and starting a project will inspire me, and motivate me, and give me something else to focus on. Well, all I can say is Im glad I have this silly blog. I really enjoy just writing my thoughts out. Talking myself out of or into things. I need this time alone right now, I need to grow up or I will never be ready for that family Im waiting for. That second baby. That really really ridiculously great husband, who will take me ice fishing, and talk politics, and teach Nod to tie her shoe. Its going to happen guys, whatever you are waiting for, whatever you need more hope in. 2012 is a new year, and 2013 will be another. We have time to grow into ourselves and learn from our mistakes. Too bad my divorce mistake was 10 years in the making, so Ive probably got a few more years till I can totally clean up the stupid dating theories Ive held onto since I was 12 and start again... ok thats not true, Ive already started again, I mean, I know my theories are wrong at least, and Ive got the guidance of a loving Father in Heaven so I can do everything better this time. Which means not pressing play on a third episode of Parenthood tonight (the Sabbath!!), but doing something spiritual and heading to bed. I can do that, right? Its so easy to justify one more episode, but I know myself. I know that I need to stop justifying *anything* because when its something huge, something I REALLY shouldnt do, Ive got to have the habit of saying no to myself. This is the first step. Goodnight blogging world.