Post Mothers day- A Celine Dione type Tribute to the woman who didnt kill me

For all those times you tucked me in,
 for all those kisses on my lips,
for all the pain in birthing me
for all the stretch marks that you see
For every dream you made come true
and the ways I repaid you
I'll be forever shamed my mother
youre the one who held me up
until I chose to fall
youre the one who saw me through
through it all

You were my  target when you were weak
when I was mad i would refuse to speak
I rolled my eyes when you  talked to me
stole the icecream when you couldnt see
shuddered at your arm when your hug reached
and piled my dishes in your sink
I ever will be shamed
but you still loved me


You gave me wings so I could fly
Now Ive got some teens, make me wanna cry
when I lose faith
I just remember me
and know no star is out of reach
you could deal with me, hormones and all
Maybe I can stepmom after all
Im grateful for each glare they give me
maybe I dont know that much, but I know this much is true
I deserve anxsty teens
for what I did to you


You were my  target, I thought you weak
sometimes I yelled or just refused to speak
I rolled my eyes when you  talked to me
stole out at night when you couldnt see
Ticked you off during every speech
and talked about you like you wouldnt believe
I really do deserve
the teens in that backseat

Settled

Like the pulp in the bottom of a delicious glass of orange juice, Brosie and I are settled ;)
The boxes Pete brought are mostly unpacked (though the cupboards could use organizing), the computer is *finally* set up, Brosie is sleeping better, Im making dinner like I have have before, the house is always nice and clean, and school... well, thats alright. Ive made one friend, and I already know one other person, so Im okay. We have a good youtube going and Im happy to be here. mostly. I Miss my young women, thats for hecka sure! Im nervous for the Girls to get here this weekend (The step-daughters to be). Im also excited! Imagine if they end up being like Kayzia and Zoie and Amanda and and and!!! Oh man, make.my.life. But what if they are more like cinderella's evil stepsisters? What if they think Im evil? Oh Boy. Good thing I really love this man. Anyways, must run, its late... this grammar is terrible I might add.

Love!
Wink

Wedding?

So. Precursor for those who wont necessarily understand the logistics. Pete and I have chosen to be married in the Cardston Temple in a special ceremony that seals our family together for time and all eternity. We are very excited about this, and honestly its the greatest part about the whole wedding day. Sometimes I joke and say all I need is Pete and a dress, both of which I have. Ive still been making reception plans, booked a photographer and videographer, looked at flowers and cakes and bridesmaids dresses... luckily the only thing Ive put money towards is rings and my dress, because the date we had planned is July 7th... two months from today. BUT--Yesterday, Pete met with the stake president about arrangements for the sealing, and because we have a special situation (having been married before) we need special approval and its actually going to take another two months to get it. Which is okay, I dont mind if we get married July 7th or 15th or 29th, Im just glad we are getting married! on the other hand.... I really do want a reception, but from the looks of it, we will be planning that *last* minute... if at all. Likely we will just get married and send out an invitation later to an open house or something... so, Im just a bit sad about it... sad we took engagement pics that wont be sent out on invitations, sad I bought a very expensive dress that only Pete and I and our families will see (likely we wont be able to book a photographer last minute so Im pretty bummed about that)... and of course Im sad that my very very bestest friend already booked her ticket (at my request!! EEP!)...

so, this is the official announcement that we have no wedding date... but will get married eventually... haha
and getting married in the temple is worth it all :D

Especially to Pete :)

TO GIVE AWAY

Exhaustion has been seeping into the pours of my body since February, and now Im overcome! Too many late nights, too many middle-of-the-night wake ups with Nod, too many early mornings, too many white hot chocolates from timmies ;)
Buuuuuuut, I must go on. Write a 7 page paper, prepare for the move, prepare for the summer, write a 5 page critique, study for exams, scrape more dried cereal off the floor... and because I have *so* much to do, there is no complete update today, just some things to get rid of!

The following is a list of thing I have to GIVE AWAY before I move (cause Im moving into a fully furnished place)

• High chair, baby bath tub, probably some toys too 
• table, one chair, some dishes, some appliances (toaster, toaster oven, blender and possibly more)
• nightstand, dresser (both could use fixing up, I got them with the intent of painting them some awesome colour but never did)
• Queen size mattress and box spring
• likely a couch and a love seat (but I might put them into storage for later)
• this brown shelf thats supposed to be a stero shelf but I use it for extra counter space and cupboard space
• a large bookshelf
• a nice TV I'd like to sell (for about $200)

if you want anything, FB me

aaaaaaand... thats all I can think of. Better go back to writing my essay... I wish school was over all ready, or at least essays and projects... but I only have one more week of this stuff, then about a week for exams, then A BREAK! Three weeks of packing, planning, and dejunking... wooot! Doesnt that sound like fun? Well compared to essays it sure as HECK is!!

Love Y'all

xo

Wink

SCHOOOOOOL?!!?

I can't remember another time like this, but I'm sure that's simply because I have no talent for details. I cannot remember a time where everything in life was wonderful, yet I still held myself back from my full potential. Sometimes I do get bummed out when faced with difficulty, for instance when I was adjusting to life as a single Mom I would freak out sometimes, feel stretched too thin, and give up for a few days. Wondering what I mean by give up? I mean, look at the dishes, know I have time to do the dishes, and simply chose to turn on a movie instead. Now, I'm not talking about taking a break, I'm talking about a time when it's not like I *need* a break because I've been working hard, but when I tale a break from things I shouldnt take a breal from because... well I'm not sure exactly why... but I'll figure it out by the end of this post. Im pretty good at writing myself out of situations and feelings, so here goes...
My life is going splendidly. I am totally in love with my beautiful daughter and she is well behaved and smart, I have fabulous grades in all my classes, my house is fairly clean and put together, I am financially secure with even a bit of wiggle room, I am surrounded by loving friends and family and a beautiful ward family, the weather is great, and I am dating the most incredible man I have met! So why am I writing this post?
Well, let me tell you what's eating at me... school. I have amazing grades, I have never done so well in school before. The fall term went so well that I decided to take on an extra course. Now I've realised that fall only went so well because I had little to do in those courses, what I mean is, I had two papers and two exams that whole semester, and weekly poems... that's it! The extent of my workload. Now I have three papers (two of which are expected to be significantly longer than anything I've written thus far), many major assignments in my compsci class (fairly easy, but they take time away from my important classes and projects), four exams, weekly essays, and a major group essay (extra time consuming as I have to arrange my schedule to accommodate others). I know, all you students are thinking this is pretty typical, and on the light side... but not for me! I get extra stressed about every assignment because I have this addiction to A's. Seriously. I have straight A's and IM NOT GIVING THEM UP! Except, I am... because I have a major paper due Friday and Im so stressed about it that Im doing nothing! I ate some unhealthy food (just to make myself down) and tried to work but Nod was busy crying herself to sleep so I watched a movie cause I couldn't focus during her tears. Now what do I do? I dont want to open up that darn book. I dont want to feel more overwhelmed by opening it up.
Sometimes I wish I had a mother around my house, someone to tell me I have to do my homework... but I am the Mom here! Sheesh... If I'm old enough to be seriously dating someone, I've got to be responsible enough to do my freaking homework, right?
So why did I start this post the way I did? Because I still don't remember a time when everything was great and I still avoided the important stuff. Honestly, I should thrive during the good times right? hah... well I guess there has been a lot of change this semester, and adapting isn't ever easy... so here goes... Im going to take a deep breath, open up my word doc, and my book, think of something beautiful, and get to WORK!

LOVE YOU ALL (and an additional sprinkling of love and well wishes to my Bestie, Dee... and to Jare, cause Ive been terrible at writing... and to Peru who I wish I was closer to... and to my family for their awesome support, and to Nod for stealing Vin's keys the other night which resulted in awesomeness, and to Vin. Yup.*sigh* <3)

All the JUICY details

Ok, so its not that juicy, 'its' not even anything... I may be working this up to be a big deal, but its not. What Im trying to say is, Im not in some steady relationship or anything... I just feel like I could be... my life is progressing! Wahoo!

So, I go to church one day, and end up sitting with the very handsome and single Vin Deisel look-alike (or so Ive been told). I was astounded when he not only sang every hymn, but in harmony! I was enthralled watching him dote on my two-year-old... and I thought, is this guy single yet? (up until then I had been under the impression he was dating someone seriously)...

Unsure how to found out the answer to my question, life went on and a few weeks later he sang in Church. I distinctly remember making a mental note to find out if he was dating someone or not. Yes, Im that creepy ;) I passed him in the hall and told him how much I liked the song... specifically because I figured that he didnt know who I was, and maybe that would encourage him to find out :P

Also, around that time, he got called to be the Young Men's President (the leader of the male youth in our church, ages 12-18), and for those of who you dont know, I work with the Young Women (but I work mainly with the 14 and 15 year olds).

So, at my next play date I asked my good friend A about Vin (they are cousins), I said "is he still dating that girl", in the most innocent uninterested voice possible... but she totally caught on "WHY!?! are you interested?"
Blushing followed, and A talked to him about me. Luckily he is the kind of guy who wants to do things himself, so there was no set-up, but we did start talking to each other at church and playing basketball together with the youth... and one day, he asked for my number...

************EEK.*******

You should have been there, *happy dance* almost immediately we began chatting on text messages, and he asked me on a date only a few days later (obviously not via text, he is too cool for that :P)

I was excited, in a giddy girly 17year old way... but I never imagined it would go so well...

we have a LOT in common... We always had something to talk about, we were flirty and fun and on the same page, AND... we read my textbook together. Yup.  ^_^

Analyzing a paragraph about multiculturalism in Canada put our date over the top, better than any thus far. It was a spiritual night, a fun light, a workout (skating), and an uplifting night. I know we will go again, though he hasnt asked yet... it was just THAT good.

Now, Im not saying Im going to marry the guy, Im just saying, heck, there is someone I dont immediately want to say no to, someone who immediately I find more attractive (in a myriad of ways) than anyone before him. Someone mature, responsible, fun, educated, spiritual, talented, active, determined, handsome, and who... is... pursuing... me! Can you believe it? (and that will keep happening as long as he doesnt join the blogesphere and see how over the top crazy excited I am about one single solitary date!)

So, the end... only really, its the beginning... cause even if this goes nowhere, I finally know Im ready. My house has been clean lately, my marks have been good, my life is finally settled enough to take on another life, to include another person, and Im oh-so-excited about the possibilities :D

Oh and one great thing about it, everyone knows him. He plays a big role in my ward and not a single person has 'warned' me about him, its quite the opposite. As soon as I tell someone, they jump from the idea of a first date to marriage... haha... like the Stake President who said "[Vin] would make a GREAT father"... yup that's right, seal of approval. :P

A little context before 'The Juice'

Friends! Family! Random Internet-sapiens :) Let me give you the not so juicey detailio's on my 'love' (?) life...
Just cause, well, I want to... and  blog post is much easier than sending individual emails to each person who asked :P

For those of you who didnt ask, Umm, I'll get a cool poem or something up soon to keep you entertained :P
Whoa, overloaded on emoticons yet? Just you wait... I'll see if I can hold em back...(*sticks tongue out at computer as to avoid another*)

I'm going to take y'all on a journey back to the beginning... not of all time, but of Divorce time...

I've only come close to dating a few guys thus far, and I think each of those instances have helped shape what is happening now, so I want to overview all of that for context.... (and really because I want you to all be oh so proud of me and the journey I have made... cause guys, I think I might have grown up ;)

Once upon a time, a longish time ago in the last couple years there was a guy I fell totally in love with, and I referred to him (on here) as Kingsley. Yes, that one. Its been a while since I've explicitly stated anything about him, but now I've moved on enough to share a little. He really set a bar for me. Getting to know him is still one of the highlights of my life. It was at a time in my life when I could have chosen to be depressed and low, but I decided to strive to become better instead, and I attribute this partially to him. He is mature, responsible, funny, respectful, sweet, talented, active, dedicated... so I wanted to be like him... and well, then it ended. It was a rough end for me, I had a lot invested and my heart hurt so bad... but during the year of our friendship I had come to know the Savior and have real faith in my Father's plan, so I held strong. The lasting impression from Kingsley is pertinent to my story because of the standards he set. For the next 7 months I refused to settle for anything less. I met plenty of interested guys, but knew immediately who would not live up to the new standards. I went on some first dates, but second dates were almost unheard of. I'm not trying to put down any of those awesome guys, but because of Kings I realised some essentials for making a marriage work, and knew not to settle for different. Eventually I realised it wasn't Kings I was trying to be like, it was the Savior, and Kings simply has many Christ-like qualities.

I didn't really get 'excited' about another guy until November (so, almost 6 months after my last date with Kings). This time was very good for me, healing. I got very interested in my school work, aimed for top grades, and built closer relationships with my family and my Savior. Then I went on a date with a guy I've referred to as H. My date with Guy H was so much fun! He is personable, charitable, understanding, sweet, funny, and fun. I found that he was another person I looked up to because of his Christ-like qualities. I only went on two dates with him (he lives far away), but those dates taught me that there was life after Kings. Haha. They taught me that it was okay to start dating again, and as I came to feel that I also began to feel a responsibility to date again. I felt like Nod needed me to work harder on myself and be ready for marriage. So, I buckled down and prepared even more for exams. I stopped 'hanging out' and wasting time, I prayed for focus.

At this point I believe some good friendships should be mentioned. I have had the opportunity to become wonderful friends with a few people who I consider my best friends. Over Christmas I spent time with best friends, and with family, and with Nod, and I found my focus. I decided to stop going to Institute, and stop playing around. I came to know that the Lord wants me to be Nod's mom, this is my eternal mission. I came to see that I am her mom whether she is sleeping or awake, and I need to expend every effort to be all I can be for her. I became more heavily involved in my church youth group, and I made decisions about schooling.  My family and friends were a huge help. They supported me as I pulled back from YSA, they went with me on temple trips, and service trips, and listened to my self-discoveries.

Then I got 'set up' on a sort of 'internet date' with a guy from BC somewhere near the end of December.  I was very excited at first because we really hit it off right away. However, it wasn't long before I felt uneasy. I knew I was supposed to move to south, not west, so it logically did not make sense to build up this relationship. I had the awesome opportunity to take these questions to the temple with me, and as I did service there I felt prompted in the steps to take. I took an evaluation of my life, and I saw plenty of areas that I felt needed work before I could have a steady relationship. I wanted to be proficient at my own life before adding another life into the mix. That 'thing' ended quickly. It was a bit of a rush, starting and ending very quickly, but I learned so much. Another thing I learned is that I truly was able to date again, I wasn't just pretending to be over Kings, but I actually had moved on from him... though he still was the torch and nobody could hold a candle to him ;)

So I went about in life, writing midterms, attending the temple, sorting blocks with Nod, writing poetry, going to youth activities with my young women... Until... Duh Duh Duh... I opened my eyes and saw what was right there, all along... Holy Cow- a single guy in my own ward? WHAT!?!

... To be continued... ;)