Parenthood:

Defined as the state of being a parent, but also a really great TV show I'm getting hooked on. The only problem is at the end of each episode, when I get emotional. You see, I really don't like getting hooked on things, books, TV series, chocolate. I like to feel in control of my routine and my life, but TV shows and facebook can totally get the better of me. I know I can put down the remote (well actually the laptop) and go back to real life, but the problem right now is my lack of real life. I haven't had classes over the break, I haven't spent a lot of time with friends, and my family has all gone back home. Nod and I have a good time during the day. We make trains, gluten free dishes, and big messes. Its fun, and its my life, but after 7pm I go crazy. So I started watching Parenthood. Is it possible that such a seemingly harmless TV show could be something really bad? I think it could be. It totally portrays everything that I want in life, so I could watch episode after episode and not think about my own life. I can totally put myself in a different world. That is *terrible*!!! I want to live my own life, not covet something fake on TV! How did they know I would want all those things? To be a lawyer, to see my sister adopt, to go on a successful date, actually scratch that-- to be married! The one couple gets in fights sometimes and then they resolve their problems like you wouldnt believe! Its great, its what I want. I want to be spending my evening telling my husband to stop working on a work project and come to bed. I want to stay home with my husband for New Years instead of going out with a bunch of kids I wont really know 10 years from now. Im starting to really dislike this in between phase again. I totally believe in finding the good in everything, the purpose in everything... but tonight I guess Im looking at what I dont have. Im pining for the future. So lets stop that. What is good about today? I dont even know... how is it good that I cant spend my evening with the people I want to? HOW!? Well- I guess maybe I will appreciate them once they get here. By them I mean a future family. Also I get the opportunity to try new things. I could spend my Sunday evening learning French or baking bread, but in the future I might be tied down to someone else's schedule... right? Right? Please tell me there is a reason to this point in my life!? There is a reason I don't find any of my dates attractive or interesting, and that I would rather watch a stupid TV show then bake some bread... OH YA- I got it... the purpose for everything. *rolls eyes as I realise how I should have caught on to this earlier in my cathartic post*... Its to overcome the natural man. Its natural to want to veg on the couch and watch TV, and justify episode after episode... but it takes self-control to go to bed early, or do something less appealing (because it seems more lonesome),,, and maybe it wont be so lonesome after I start? Maybe Putting the clean dishes away and starting a project will inspire me, and motivate me, and give me something else to focus on. Well, all I can say is Im glad I have this silly blog. I really enjoy just writing my thoughts out. Talking myself out of or into things. I need this time alone right now, I need to grow up or I will never be ready for that family Im waiting for. That second baby. That really really ridiculously great husband, who will take me ice fishing, and talk politics, and teach Nod to tie her shoe. Its going to happen guys, whatever you are waiting for, whatever you need more hope in. 2012 is a new year, and 2013 will be another. We have time to grow into ourselves and learn from our mistakes. Too bad my divorce mistake was 10 years in the making, so Ive probably got a few more years till I can totally clean up the stupid dating theories Ive held onto since I was 12 and start again... ok thats not true, Ive already started again, I mean, I know my theories are wrong at least, and Ive got the guidance of a loving Father in Heaven so I can do everything better this time. Which means not pressing play on a third episode of Parenthood tonight (the Sabbath!!), but doing something spiritual and heading to bed. I can do that, right? Its so easy to justify one more episode, but I know myself. I know that I need to stop justifying *anything* because when its something huge, something I REALLY shouldnt do, Ive got to have the habit of saying no to myself. This is the first step. Goodnight blogging world.

What is this thing called D...

Dating! Holy smokes, why do we put ourselves through this??
Ok ok, I get it, life is just one lesson after another, and Dating is just... well... this elaborate lesson.
 Most people think the purpose of dating is to weed out a good match, but its not. The real purpose is to be be weeded ourselves. What I mean, is that... we all have some growing up to do... we all have undesirable characteristics to overcome, and desirable characteristics to further develop. Dating TOTALLY does that. This is why I feel bad for people who get hitched so quick... sure, marriage will make you grow too, but dating is a totally different experience that shouldn't be passed by. This is the time for fantastic awkward moments: not knowing if guy J likes you back, or knowing all to well that guy T likes you too much. This is the time for precious moments, when guy H purposely touches your elbow for just one second and your heart pops.
Appreciate this time, appreciate all times. Every moment of your life is so unique. Yes, unique... that cliche word... but there is nothing like being a child, and there is nothing like being a mother. 
Dating is a series of challenges- to test your capacity for charity, your ability to self-reflect, and adapt. Once you've grown enough, and gotten rid of your own bad weeds...................................................... (pause... because this is definitely time-consuming)...................................................................................................... ...........................................
the Lord will place the right person in your path, the person He has been weeding for you.

Tear :'(

Something is terribly wrong with me! I just cant stop crying lately!! It's like Im pregnant, or perma-p.m.s.ing (though usually Im not a cryer even during that time)... neither of which are possible. I dont even particularily care about the things I cry about! Sometimes its after an inspiring youtube video, or a touching poem about the death of a dog (I know, right?). I always cry in the car, sometimes about a song on the radio, a memory on my Ipod, or cause Ive just hit a patch of ice and lost control of the car (AHH!). Tonight I cried before starting my assignment, I cried while studying my scriptures preparing to write my assignment, and I cried when I was done working on my assignment. Now, its not like Im losing it and sobbing everytime... in fact, most of the time it's a small small tiny cry... and sometimes its a big one... but really... I shouldnt be this emotional! It reminds me of last summer when I cried while reading my little brothers camp instructions (Helamens Encampment)! Being a mom has changed me... I know that... but, really? I don't mind crying about REAL issues, like last yeat when I was getting divorced, or dealing with a screaming baby for nights on end... but right now... Life is GREAT... There isnt much I would change...hmm... what would I change? I'd probably just take back a lost friend or two, move them into the house next door (Thats right Jare :P), and carry on... Hmph. Ok ladies, or men.... has this ever happened to YOU (when you werent suffering major life trauma, or a pregnancy, or depression, or... wait... maybe its the snow!! haha...)?

Running out...

Im running out of creativity and inspiration.
I used to write poems with my heart, and now I write them from my head.
I hate mechanical pencils.
I wish I could use a feather quill.

Im running out of youth.
My body will no longer take in unhealthy food and keep it there.
But good health takes time, of which Im running out,
After Ive made her breakfast, cleaned her up, played, gone to school, and meetings, and made dinner, and washed dishes and cleaned out the car,
I just dont feel like making myself a healthy supper.
Wasting time pressing blend on the vitamix,
making my jaw chew, or my lips drink

I only have time to waste on facebook, or thinking about last year, or poems I shouldnt have written, or read aloud. Im running out of reasons to focus on school, and to forget lots of good memories.
Im running out of gas in the car, food in the refridgerator, money in the bank...

But...
I will never run out of butterfly kisses, and that two year old button nose will always nudge mine before saying her prayers, and goodnight to the moon.


At least until she's 14

Updates- so happy you'll puke from too much cheese haha

So, where to start? Well, life has been pretty great for lil Nod and I this school year. Ive managed my time well so that I can be with her all morning, and in school for the afternoon (and one evening). Brosie's speech is finally coming along, and I attribute that partially to our increased quality time together... of course it is also due to the fabulous influence of the Lady who runs the Day home, and all the crazy little boys there! She says quite a few words, and learns new ones everyday (though few people can actually interpret her unique language of course). Nod spent her summer growing a head of hair, which also makes for a great deal of mommy-daughter fun! At first she would let me curl it, but one day she became strangely afraid of the curling iron because I told her it was hot, so we curl it less. I do try and french braid the two inches she has going, but it has yet to work out :P It has been exciting to watch her personality develop, and to see her gain interests and preferences. For instance, she loves to play kittens or puppies. If she is playing puppies she will play fetch and other sorts of doggy games, and if she is playing kittens you have to be crawling on the floor with her! She has started seeing a chiropractor who specializes in allergy elimination. He is psycho crazy with the eating regiment he lives, and we try our best to catch up. Her favorite treat is dates, and she would eat them all day if I let her. We also eat a lot of seeds and nuts, but its coming along slowly (she had french fries for two meals today)... Im just glad to be trying! Her favorite people seem to be her Dad and her Papa lately, in fact she loves men in general. Every time she is at a friends house she gets very excited to see their Dad, and at daycare she is always pointing out the other kids Dads. Im so glad to have my parents in town so she gets her fill of my Dad every other day. He is gone to Arizona for the next couple weeks though, and day one is killing her. We went over to feed my brothers fish and she was a sobbing mess when she saw that Papa (and everyone else `fun`) was gone. Poor kid!! I noticed today that her two-year molars are coming in, so Im going to blame her recent whiny behavior on that :P But really, that kid is my angel. Im so glad I was blessed with this opportunity to strengthen my bond with her, if life had stayed the way it was back in Southern AB I may not have taken the chance.
And me? Well, Ive been great. I feel like Ive spent the last 6 months overcoming my worst challenges in life, and while Im not perfect, I sure feel that way compared to how I used to be! I never thought I could be happy alone, and here I am! Ive learned that happiness comes from within, its not because of who youre around, who loves you, how well your life is going. Life can be crap, and you can choose to find the blessings in it. Happiness is this great gift I want to share with everyone- only its something we each need to find on our own... which is too bad. I have myriads of girlfriends who are single, and just waiting for the 'next best thing' like I used to be. If only there was a way to blend up my happiness and share it in a smoothie with everyone!
Now, what hasnt been great? Well, I got a C+ on an assignment last week, but she promised to knock off our lowest mark, and I have almost every week until April to come up with better poems. I got an A on a poem I wrote a while back, and Im thinking about making it a song. I didnt post that one on here, but maybe one day.
What else? Well, besides the fact that I seemed to have an eternal falling out with my best friend, I think everything is on the rise. Even that had its purposes you know? That friendship really made me think long and hard about who I spend my time with, and why. I want to be with people who are, like that friend, constantly uplifting me and improving me. I want to be that friend for everyone else. I have found that the more I love myself, the more people I can love. And, for the most part, the hurt from that falling out is gone now. Of course I would change the situation given the opportunity, but such an opportunity will likely never come. Instead, Im becoming a bit of an introvert, and Im happy that way. I go on less trips, I go out with YSA less. Instead Im acing most of my classes, and keeping a relatively clean house (I would still love to find a decently priced portable dishwasher).
 I went to the Cardston Temple for baptisms last month, and Im excited for Edmonton's temple to re-open soon! I also gave a couple talks this month, and Im loving my calling in Young Womens. Im working (veeeeery slowly) on my personal progress award... for one of the projects Im researching grad school and where to transfer next year. Im leaning towards Calgary (I know, Im an Oilers fan, but it would be less complicated for paperwork, and a touch warmer), or maybe back to Lethbridge. The oddest/best thing though, is the fact that I just feel completely satisfied. I love being single, I love being a mom, and I love being a student. Sure, snow falls, baby cries, and sometimes I stub my toe, but I couldnt ask for anything more... okay, well I couldnt ask for too much more... okay maybe peace on earth good will toward men... and global warming (so the snow goes away)... and an extra hour every day... and free guitar lessons... and voice lessons... and piano lessons... and a bajillion dollars... and a phone call from YOU! Haha, Merry start to the Christmas season everyone, Love to all... hope this wasnt too cheesy happy for you!!
xo,
Wink

Marry You (BETTER LYRICS)

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it those dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this pretty temple on the boulevard we can go,
everyone can know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we got cash, got a car the guests can trash, for show
covered in oreos
And we’re gone girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it them dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
no we cant break up we just gotta make up, that’s cool.
so I can be with you;
It’s so fun girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.


Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it them dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something fun to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it them dancing shoes?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

The Sound of Light

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but
because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

When you get to the edge of the earth,
and the cutthroat mountains kill the last bit of sun on your skin,
and the clouds knock the reflection of stars from your eyes,
and the Darkness seems omnipresent,
you will wish to be Home again
waiting at this red light.

If you leave the Light behind you
how will you see in the Darkness?
You will wish for the tiny white lines
beating a pattern of light.
Lines you’ve crossed beforere-
painted each September
to reflect head lights, tail lights, and signal lights
moving travellers home from the highway.

You will wish for the brilliance
of the posted speed limit
its decrescendo slowing travellers into town .
You will miss the headlights,
that clearly beckon ahead,
and the tail lights illuminating the past
of each car before
each with their warning.

You will miss the spots of lamp lights
and streetlights that reach beyond the horizon
as you climb the hills leading to town
even though man made
even if red-
Illuminating and defining

This red is not a manacle, holding you prisoner.
Red is harmony, the tenor to green.
Red allows us to wait
before Safety opens her door again.

Do not crush the man-made lights of town,
because they play Sun.
They are reflections of it’s greatness
and this city on a hill will not be hid

You think that if you silence every red,
and steal away into the shadows
you can unveil the true nothingness of these lights
but even shadows come from Light.

And you can run to the edge of the Earth,
and close your eyes, and refuse the Light
but this midnight musical
does not need your ears
It will keep playing the sound of Light.